mattgebman

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 04:56:39 GMT

So, As of right now. I quit. I have given up on just about everything. Im ready to start all over. again. this being the second time In my life, I feel completly alone. I wish I could put Into words how It feels, Im sure there are some of you who already know how It feels. but Its my turn to bitch about It.

I honestly feel like Im dying right now. And there Isnt anything Im able to do about It. It makes me wana straight up stab someone. I dont think Im gunna be able to take Ashley going to college, which makes me wana kill myself. and then the feeling of being alone, again. makes me wana stab someone else. I think this Is another one of lifes cycles. until you reach a certain age, you just fuck your life up and wana die. like 9th grade. everyone wanted to die In 9th grade. but when 10th grade came man. It was fucking party time and life was great. last year was pretty good. It had Its ups and downs but mainly I was happy with It. I dont know what Im gunna do anymore, and since I dont take advise cause Im above everyone ( not really ) Im gunna get to learn how to cope with life all alone again. Im really starting to enjoy bitching to my livejournal. Its becoming like second nature. I really wish there was like a mulligen button for real life. a button you could hit, and redo something you didnt like about life. that would make everyones life so much better.

Ashley, oh man. this Is gunna hurt. I seriously love this girl with my everything. but I absolutly know I cant deal with long distance. Its not gunna happen. I know It. expecially cause both of us are way over protective of each other. It will be hell. and I dont wana deal with It. Its actually been such a speratic ride, that It prolly wouldnt be any different then when we were dating. not to say I hated our relationship but It was always up and down. Im not gunna lie, I do love this girl and It will take me some time to get over that. but I think Its for the best. for the both of us In the long run. I oppariently am a shitty boyfriend to. girls just hate me. and I honestly cant say I blame them, Im a cocky self absorbed asshole. thats the whole problem. and the worst part of It Is, I know I wont change myself. thats the funny part. I know Its a problem and I cant/wont change It.

basically. I just suck at life...

I dont fucking get It...

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 00:48:26 GMT

I change myself Into what she wants, and Its never good enough. what do I have to do. Tattoo her name to my face. cut off my penis. what. Im trying so hard, and Its like It doesnt even matter....

why?

just great

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 16:27:19 GMT

apparently Im a fuck up...

Fuck College

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 00:48:43 GMT

Its gunna take alot out of me to be able to deal with this long distance stuff. I belive In It so much though, It kills me. I dont know what Im gunna do when she Is gone to college, and being In that enviroment and all that. Its so much. I know I always try and be the funny, asshole. but this Is one of those things I cant get over It seriously eats away at me. I love her so much, and all I can think Is as soon as she gets there, Its just gunna end. and It fucking kills me. I know she loves me, and I dont really think It would happen, but just the face that I could happen Is so shitty. I just want things to be stable for more than a few days. I know that I wont break up with her while she Is gone, unless she cheats on me. but Its gunna be so hard on me to just have faith. Ive never done that before, and Its scary as fuck putting something on the line like this.

Im pretty sure Im ready for this though. I love her enough to let It ride. I love you so much babe. :[

8/15/09

meh

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 15:34:26 GMT

I dont know. Everything Is weird right now, I have that gay feeling In the pit of my stomach like something gay Is gunna happen. or has happened and I just havnt got the memo yet. The only thing I have latly Is Ashley, and she Is going to college soon and I cant even get over how much Its gunna kill me. Ive basically found out that life comes In 3rds. Get married, Get a Job, then you die. funny way to look at It, but Its basically the truth. Joseph just left my house, and of course thats when I realize things like this. after long talks about life. Sometimes It makes me laugh to look back on life, but Im glad Im the person I am today, and I cant even put Into words how much I love Ashley.

I think I need a vacation, to help myself chill the fuck out. I try and take on to much and Its my own fault I know. I just need my license so I can go on long drives and just listen to music and forget things sometimes. alright I dont think Im quit done being emo, cause thats the only time I feel like writing In here.

sdjlk;asdf

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 05:06:56 GMT

yo, Im going camping tommarow. Im kinda excited. but shits gunna be mad weird, cause Im going with Ashley and her family... yah. anyways Ive come to realize that even with LUCK tattood on my neck, I still have shit luck lol. things have been up and down again, and I have a feeling shits gunna end up fucked again. whew. exciting right.

sometimes I wana get the fuck out of here. but I dont have anywhere to go, and even If I did. I would act the same, piss people off and It would turn out just like everything Is here.

okay emo matt gebman Is gunna go do something to amuse himself. pz 1 nigguhs.

Things that make you go hmm

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 01:40:59 GMT

So today I got a tat. whew, I cant wait to see my girlie again soon. I love Ashley so much. Her and I went and saw LSF last night... Lets just say she owes me huge lol. Although I told her I would go, after she said I didnt have to. I think that was a trick thing though, If I didnt go I would be a bad boyfriend haha. owell, I had fun with her anyways. I didnt get my pin up girl tattoo, which kinda made me sad, but I found the one Im gunna get, and Its not really pin up. Its more asian, orental style. owell, I cant wait to see my baby, hopefully her and I can hang out thursday.

here's Is to luck...?

wow.

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 06:52:25 GMT

So lately, everything has been pretty good. I dont wana Jinx It though, so I wont get excited. Ashley and I are back together, which rules. I love her so much, and I hope her and I work out. Her and I hung out today, we went to one of my family things, which Is weird cause my family Isnt very stable and Its kinda funny when my family gets together someone always ends up getting pissed off. and Its usually my mom and yes she did pull threw and get pissed of for no reason today lol. I really hope I passed everything at school, not likely but, I hope. I really dont wana have to deal with school any longer than I have to, and Ive already failed so another extra year would piss me off to the max.

I didnt go to Turmoil today, which wicked sucked, but I didnt have the money. and I honesly am glad cause I got to spend time with Ashley. other than that. I just hope shit keeps going up. D:

YAY

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 17:36:49 GMT

My baby Is here, I love her so much. :) :) :)

Today was amazing?

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 02:19:45 GMT

Wow, Im so not use to good days lately. Ashley randomly came over today, and we had so much fun. we watched Edward Scissor hands, and cuddled, and were just mad cute. It makes me miss all of our old times, Im hoping her and I can fix this and get back together. She makes me so happy, I dont even think I can put the way she makes me feel Into words. Her and I are going to the movies wednesday to, God I love her. Other than that, I have to take a few regents this week, which sucks balls. cause I am the worst test taker In the world, and If I fail, Im gunna be hella pissed. I wouldnt drop out though, cause thats retarded. But I would be kinda pissed.

Lets hope everything works out, Im starting to have hope again D:

aggravated beyond believe

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 01:33:21 GMT

So, I cant belive I actually made one of these. but I guess Im becoming that guy. lol. So basically the last week or two have been wicked shitty, Im so confused and shits been killing me. I dont even know whats going on anymore. Im trying to fix things with Ashley, but she's Into some other dude, and everything Is all over the place latly. I keep randomly venting on people, and Im sorry to those of you I do It to, Im usually not like this, at all. I just want things to go back to the way they were, as Ben Shaw would say. School Is over, I guess thats a good thing. one less problem In life for now. Until September, then a whole new year of fun and enjoyment.

I miss my princess. :-[